Understanding Misplaced Guilt

Do you automatically blame yourself when something goes wrong? A psychosynthesis counsellor explores where misplaced guilt comes from and how to recognise it in yourself.

If you often find yourself thinking “it's my fault” when something goes wrong — even when it isn't — you're not alone, and there's usually a reason it feels that automatic.

If you were to hear this statement — “When something goes wrong, it's generally my fault” — how quick would you be to pick that up and run with it? Would that statement have you nodding your head, saying “that's exactly how I feel”? Is it a narrative that runs through your interactions with relationships as diverse as work colleagues and your nearest and dearest?

It's a statement I hear often in the therapy room, and it's a rich seam to explore with clients. I often call it picking up a bomb someone has dropped — maybe they're just having a bad day — and somehow, before we've taken a beat, we find it's in our hands. The bomb that tells us it's our responsibility. And with that belief comes guilt, and a need to take on and fix stuff that isn't ours to fix.

In the belief that it's all our fault; we can discount so much of the reality of a situation. With enough practice, we've learned to dismiss ourselves, to discount our own truth, and so we never even think to stand up for ourselves. Advocating for ourselves is scary, of course — it might mean risking conflict just to ask to be truly seen.

As I write this, it all makes sense on the page, and it can easily look like a step-by-step process. That's not how we experience these situations. They often hit us on an emotional level and trigger old narratives that may have been running for years. I think of the many people I've sat with who, from a very early age, took on the role of fixer — for a parent's mood, a sibling's distress, a household that felt like it might come apart if someone didn't hold it together. As a child, they found ways to ease the tension around them. No one was asking how they were, what they might need. They just got on with shouldering the job of making it better. They picked up the bomb, because in a child's mind, there wasn't a choice. Now, as adults, whenever there's conflict, somewhere that child is telling them to fix it. That's the job.

But what if it isn't their job, their responsibility? In the therapy space, when we have a chance to slow things down, we can look at these running beliefs from a zoomed-out perspective. Like a forensic detective, we can walk around the situation and look at it from multiple angles — starting with hearing what someone is telling themselves. “It's my fault they're annoyed with me, I messed up” might be the opening salvo. A cut-and-dried statement of fact that can soften when met with curiosity and gentle questioning. If you've spent years with a certain narrative taking up all the space, it becomes your normal place. Having the support of someone listening with empathy and interest can allow more information, more complexity, to come to the fore.

Often, what becomes clear is that the person doesn't like to feel they've disappointed someone. It makes them feel inadequate — the way they did as a child, unable to fix what was happening around them. Deeper down, it can touch a feeling of worthlessness, and that feeling gets projected outward: “They think I'm worthless.”

With the opportunity to explore in a safe place, people often come into contact with a younger part of themselves — one still gripping tightly to the role they took up so long ago. They become aware of the internal dialogue, the story they've been living their life by, and with that awareness comes more choice. More of themselves gets to be seen: the adult part that doesn't have to fear a little confrontation, because it knows it has the capacity to withstand someone else's bad day. They get to swap out the anxious inner child for the capable adult — the way actors swap places on a stage.

If you've been feeling stuck in this loop of self-blame, shouldering all the responsibility with seemingly no options, and it's a weight you'd like to put down, please feel free to get in touch. In psychosynthesis counselling, we make space to stop, acknowledge, explore and imagine — and from there, more of who you are gets to come into the room. Not just the part still gripping the old job, but the part that gets to choose. More players on your team can mean more options, and often, more freedom.